I am finding myself asking the question. Why do we struggle with our humanity? It is perplexing to me that we are all human, yet we all strive to be super-human. All the super hero movies of superman and wonder woman are not to far from what we wish we were and attempt to be. We may recognize the fact that we aren't bullet proof and we don't have x-ray vision, but we all want to essentially have bullet proof character and emotions, I do any way. I want to be a perfect parent, one who never is impatient and always knows what to tell her children when they are down. I want to be the perfect wife, with dinner on the table and a smile on my face.( yeah, my husband would probably love this too. Tonight we had what ever we could find in the fridge. I call it hodge podge day.) I want to be that perfect friend who never lets anyone down and never says anything stupid. Basically, I just want to be perfect. But what I am beginning to realize and I hope I continue to realize for the rest of my life is, I am perfect. I am a perfect human being learning and growing everyday. I am a human being who at times struggles with depression or yells at my kids. I sometimes cry over stupid stuff. What I am learning is that is ok. Dean Nixon has a blog post about not accepting our humanity. I always thought that I was a grateful person, a happy person who truly lived life. What is didn't realize is how I rob myself from enjoying and living life when I am at odds with my own humanity. The very being I am. I can't say it any better than Dean and his words have helped me these past couple weeks and I want to share them with you…."One of the most important lessons we can learn is to accept our human state. We tend to fight the simple truths. For example, kids will always get out of control when Mom gets on the phone, or that drinking "diet" coke isn't going to change the fact we ate a big bowl of ice cream last night, and that we will get our heart broken more than twice. Another simple truth we resist is we are not perfect and are not meant to be, we are progressive and meant to learn and grow. We are constantly at odds with this truth, fighting the aging process, hiding our mistakes and judging others for theirs. We live year by year for a reason, we don't just get it all over at once. Learning to accept the slow pace from birth to the inevitable death is a journey and we can run through it wearing the blinders of expectation and judgment, or roll the windows down and feel the breeze. That is the simple truth."Ya know, I do have my valleys, but I also have my mountaintops. And how much more I appreciate those mountaintops, because I have experienced those valleys. So to this day I say, I am human and proud of it!!!!!

Jamie Lightner
TurningLeaf Seminars

Change the way you see it

Change the way you see it. Hmmmm. That is one of TurningLeaf's principles. A simple concepts sometimes difficult to do. Today I was running. I wanted to get my heart rate up and have that great feeling after a good workout. So I ran for a bit and when I was finished I just began to cry. It had been a long few days and after my run the tears began to pour. I had just had a conversation with Dean the night before and it ended with him saying "your number one job while you are here on earth is to BE HUMAN. To experience the hills and the valleys. To be excited, to be ticked, to be sad and happy. Your job is to experience the fun times, to go through the struggles. Your job is to grow, to progress as a human being. So change the way you see yourself, and change the way you view the struggle." So as my tears began to stream down my face, in that moment I changed the way I viewed my emotional state, and I gave myself permission to cry. In that moment I did not view it as weakness or as not having it all together. I thought of that quote "there is a season for everything" and especially the line "there is a time to cry" and I chose to view it as my time to cry. So I cried and I let it feel good. I let it be exactly what it was. An emotional release from all the pressures I was enduring. I let it be a release I needed.

Jamie Lightner
TurningLeaf Seminars

I had an appointment with Dean and discussed the recent pondering of selling my 4th child on ebay. I began to vent to him about how I was being more consistent with time outs and it wasn't working. I also told him he listens to my husband fairly well. I mean he is still his testy self, but more often than not he listens to Michael. I also told him how surprised I was when I watched my sister put him in time out and he just stayed there, he didn't even fight her to get up. I was so jealous. I usually have to sit him back in time out 5 times in 10 seconds before he will sit there, and that's on a good day. So I asked him the obvious question "what am I doing wrong? His explanation was quite enlightening and it went like this…

You are taking it personally. You are taking his behavior as a personal reflection of your ability to parent. And you are agenda driven, meaning rather that being in the moment, handling that moment with confidence, you are handing that moment with the intention of creating a "perfect child". And when it doesn't go as you think it "should" for a "good parent" raising a "good child", you experience fear, stress and anxiety. You are also looking around at others taking on whatever criticism you "think" they are "thinking". Rather than it just being you teaching Bo from a place of Love, you have a whole pile of Fear driven emotions you are bringing to that situation and kids feel that, and don't usually respond well.

So first off you need to draw a mental boundary of how you will allow you to talk to yourself about you parenting abilities. Look at your parenting tactics honestly and be patient with yourself. It is all a learning process. It is time to stop beating yourself up as a mom, and know you're a good mom and don't let anyone tell you otherwise, not even YOU. And then remember that Bo is his own personality. He may be stronger willed than your others. That's o.k. too. Don't compare him to other kids. Learn to work with him as an individual. And remember to be consistent.

Here are some ideas for your next trip to the store. Before you go into the store jump in the back seat and have a little heart to heart. Make sure you have his attention and tell him if he screams, or throws things out of your cart that you will come out to the car and put him in time out. And then go shopping, and if he screams, leave your cart and go put him in time out in the van. And when you carry him out of the store screaming- don't even give thought to what other's may be thinking. Don't even care about anything accept having a powerful learning moment with your son. This will keep your energy and emotions where they need to be, so that Bo can begin learning to be accountable for his own actions. Because until now he hasn't really needed to be, because You are doing that for him.

After our talk, I decided to postpone the sale on ebay.

And after this conversation, I was able to let go, and take the pressure off myself and it was amazing the difference in Bo's response. I still find myself falling into that agenda driven pattern or letting peer pressure from other parents get to me, but I pull myself out of it quicker each time

Jamie Lightner
TurningLeaf Seminars

Los Angeles, CA School Training by TurningLeaf Seminars

Clifford K. Tapusoa, Seminar Director
TurningLeaf Wellness Center Office: 435-652-1202
Website: http://www.TurningLeafWellnessCenter.com

"If you want what you've never had, You must do what you've never done."

Our need to be needed.

02/05/10

It is amazing to me how powerful our need to be needed can be and how it compromises even the wisest person to abandon wisdom and yield to the opinion of others rather than trust his/her discernment.

Dean N. Nixon, Owner/President
TurningLeaf Inc.
Office: 435-652-1202
Website: http://www.DeanNixon.com

"It's not about change, it's about growth."

What is Value Based Parenting?

The Value Based Parenting method gives parents knowledge and tools to instill and reinforce solid principles and morals that their children can carry into adulthood. This method isnt just about getting a childs behavior in control, but rather its ...about but developing the childs conscience and integrity their values. Value Based Parenting is a positive and affirming way to teach healthy boundaries with which the child can begin to govern themselves as they get older. Children raised with this method learn to feel satisfaction and achievement in accepting responsibility, making wise choices and contributing to the family structure. Value Based Parenting help preserve and strengthen the integrity of the family unit through consistency, communication and love.

CD 1 (Greatest Human Need)
- Job of a Parent
- Parenting out of guilt and shame
- The greatest human need
- Ripple effect
- Parenting out of fear vs. love
- Boundaries
- Filters

CD 2 (Creating Rapport with children)
- Creating rapport with children
- Your child's greatest need
- Fear
- Vale based and love
- Rules vs. Values

CD 3 (Mixed families and Co-Parenting)
- Single Parenting
- Blended Families
- Polarized Parents
- Overcoming crisis and contention
- Growing out of crisis
- 3 Steps of communication

Get your copy for $48.99 plus Shipping & Handling. To order your CDs and bonus DVD call 435-652-1202 (Local) or 1-877-652-1202. Order Online Now - http://bit.ly/wims8

TurnigLeaf Seminars with Dean N. Nixon Testimonials

This video was created by individuals who went through TurningLeaf Seminars and wanted to share their experience. Turn your speakers up to hear the video better.

BeenThere, Done That…I can't believe my kid ate that.

This is the section of the blog that I am calling the Been There, Done That story. I want to hear from you. Share your similar experiences that unite us all…

I had taken my kids to McDonald's one night for dessert and some time on the play land. The kids were up in the tunnels and I took a call on my cell phone. While talking with a friend of mine, my 3 three year old came and sat next to me. I looked at him and said, "Oh, are you finishing your nuggets" and then I was flooded with panic when I remembered we didn't order nuggets, we only had dessert. Oh gross!

So now I want to here similar stories. Share your " I can't believe my kid ate that" story.

Jamie

Hey there is is Part two... the sequel to "A Day at meijer with Bo", previously posted

BACK to Meijer with Bo

Well, after putting some of Dean's suggestions to the test I have decided to cancel the sale of our fourth child. hee hee I dared to venture with him to the grocery store today. It was either that or starve my other 3 children, and I am pretty sure as parent we are required to feed them. I guess I could bring that question to Dean in my next coaching session. hee hee

Anyway, with my new course of action I acquired from Dean, I set out on a mission. I knelt down and told Bo if he screamed, through groceries out of my cart, or just plain didn't listen, then we would be going back to the Van for time out. I made sure he understood and headed into the store. We made it through the doors and over to the carts where Bo had his first protest. Apparently I had chosen the wrong cart and he was refusing to ride in it. So I said "ok let's go take a time out". I think when I first headed for the door he was thinking "well I showed her" because he was content to leave Meijer, but when I strapped him in his chair without any toys, movies, snacks etc. he began to complain. After a couple min. I asked him if he was ready to go back in. Of course he was, and I reminded him of the procedure once again.

The second time back into the store we didn't even make it to the carts, he got distracted by the candy dispensers and he insisted on getting some. Of course when my answer was "no" the second fit was displayed and back to the van we went to repeat the process. This time he decided to play his own game and when I asked if he was ready to go back in his first response was "no". So I decided to clean my van until he was ready. No sense wasting any time, might as well be productive. So I left him in time out while I proceded to clear on the stale goldfish and french fries. After a few more min. he decided his game just wasn't paying off and was ready to cooperate.

The third time back into the store I did manage to get him buckled into the cart and got the produce portion of my shopping done, during which he saw me put grapes into the cart and started screaming at me again because I wouldn't give him any. So with a deep breath reminding myself that he looks like me and he is REALLY cute when he sleeps, I dropped my cart to the greeter and headed for the van to repeat the process AGAIN.

The fourth time back in the store we finally started to cover some ground, he had a few complaints but when I didn't respond he settled in for the ride. I finally was just about finished when the groceries piled up to his reach. He grabbed a bag of popcorn and mischievously held it over the side of the cart. I said "Don't drop that out of the cart or you will have to go back to time out. He played around a little putting it in the basket and then holding it out again. While he amused himself wanting to get a reaction out of me, I continued on. And then he dropped it. I felt the emotions of being overwhelmed begin to flood. How many times are we going back to the van. But again, I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I do think he is cute, and if all this consistency starts to work it will be worth it. Worth it to the both of us. So Back to the van we went .

Finally the fifth time back into the store we were able to finish. He was so sweet for the remainder of the time. At the check out he grabbed a candy bar off the shelf and when I told him "no" and asked him to put it back, he did. I was so excited. We checked out and I grabbed a penny to let him ride the pony ride by the door.

As I walked out I could feel the difference in Bo. He had learned a lot today. And I felt proud of myself. I stayed calm and stuck to it. As I walked to my car I had to laugh just thinking of the look on the greeters face the 4th time I left her with my cart. I am sure she was glad to babysit my cart, it beats the alternative of hearing those dreaded words, " Clean up in isle six", cause the kid through the grape jam out of the cart.

A day at Meijer with BO

A day at Meijer with BO

Bo was in one of his "have be the boss, and drive my mom crazy" moods. I was pushing my cart in meijer holding my list and pen in hand. He kept trying to take my list out of my hands and then would of course go after the pen. At first I would just pull my hand away, but then as you may assume the cart doesn't get very far down the isle unless your hands are pushing it. So I usually cave and just give him the list and pen, in hopes of just finishing my shopping and getting out of there.

Later I look down, Bo with Pen in hand is now drawing on his arms. I snatched the pen away and then came the screaming, then the hitting and of course the stares. I grabbed Bo's hand to keep him from hitting me, he screams louder, I let go he hits me. Once again I feel there is know 'win/win" situation. For me anyway, he is obviously "winning" at something no matter what I do.

Later after the feud had calmed, the groceries began to pile up. Bo saw this as an opportunity to better familiarize himself with the concept of gravity, and he would reach back and toss items out of the cart. I would say "no Bo", and as I was bending over to pick an item up I would hear another hit the floor. It had become a game of fetch. By this time I am ready to take the frozen pizza box he through out of my cart and wop it over his head. I figured a little induced coma might speed up my shopping trip. I refrained from such action. I wouldn't want social services to get the wrong idea. I do love him, he is just incredible annoying in meijer.

He finally stopped throwing various items out of the cart and I was able to resume shopping. I headed for the school supplies. Trying to stick to a tight budget I had to search for a moment for the best deal. As I was staring at 3 ring binders, wondering to myself, why are the girly ones on sale when I have a Boy. My annoyance with meijer was soon interrupted by another fellow shopper who had stopped to say, "um, is he supposed to be opening your markers. I looked and Bo and saw he had ripped the maker package and was throwing the markers on the floor, being sure to remove the cap first. Oh my gosh, I was so frustrated. I frantically picked up the markers off the floor and pried the remaining 2 out of his hand. I am done.

We were on our way out. My son was again screaming because he was mad, and I was now creating a scene. People were turning their heads to see whose screaming child was coming their way. And all I could think was "it was mine" I was so embarrassed.

I will definitely be calling Dean. I had an appointment with him the next day, and if I didn't find answers I was contemplating ebay. Ha ha.

Stay tuned... I have been talking with Dean and I will share with you the Value Based Parenting tools he shares with me about this incident.

Jamie Lightner
TurningLeaf Seminars
517-242-0224